Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Jesus As My Husband; My Testimony
Jesus As My Husband; My Testimony
I am a Transgender woman, a Jew, a nun and the Pastrix of TransgenderChurch.com.
And, Jesus is my Husband.
Jesus said he would fulfill all my needs and give me the desires of my heart. "Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." (Psalms 37:4) (KJV) I tell Jesus often how much I love Him as my husband, provider, protector, my all. He's the one I adore. You see, Jesus is your spiritual husband as a Christian. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called." (Isaiah 54:5) (KJV) No, we don't have sex. But, I have sex with myself and toys. And, it is Anointed (something few Christians explore I think), holy sex that has blown my mind and I've been sexually active since eleven years old (mostly masturbation). I'm 51 and having the best sex ever. But, Jesus as Husband means He is responsible for meeting my emotional, psychological, physical, sexual and spiritual needs.
Honestly, for years, I thought I wanted to meet some woman, and had strong crushes. Pat Benatar, my favorite female singer ever, was a strong crush in from 1983-1987. Taylor Swift was a strong crush for years, before I took my vows as a nun before God. Now, today, I'm no longer interested and have no crushes. Jesus wants to be the focus of your life in everything.
And, I am content, not just happy, but content in Christ Jesus.
But, how did my journey begin?
On May 17, 1972, I was a mere three and one-half years old. My father left me with a military couple he knew the night my mother went into labor with my brother. Both of them molested me. It was not violent, and she was evil, but was loving, as weird as that sounds. Anyway, after getting me in their waterbed naked, she was naked, she masturbated me with her hand before asking me if I wanted to feel real good and she performed fellatio on me. Honestly, I enjoyed it. I was just way too young. Yes, it was wrong and sick of her, but I enjoyed it. Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted to make her feel good. I did and she taught me how to perform cunnilingus on her. I didn't know any better. So, I did for about two hours and she had multiple orgasms. Then, I tried to pleasure her husband and couldn't. As they made love on the bed, I sat at the end of the bed watching the snow on the screen and the boy I was left and the girl I became stayed. I started masturbating to completion at eleven, and I loved sex. I never could get enough, and still can't. But, she killed my desire for anyone as a lover. I always fantasized about being married to some woman, but the idea was way better than the reality. And, when I look at a woman, since I am female inside and God sees me as a woman, I don't think, "I'd like to do her." No, I think, "what if I was her!" I've been doing that for as long as I can remember.
So, as my rapist made me a girl, my father's unending emotional abuse was my estrogen that made me a woman. I read a book by a female clinical psychologist and she intimated that estrogen makes women look at the emotional cues of others to see what they need from them. I did the same thing with my father and he was never satisfied. So, therefore, his emotional abuse was my estrogen that fully cemented me as a woman.
So, I am male physically, since I couldn't afford transition ever, and a full woman inside. But, God told me He wanted to be my everything. Jesus was the spiritual husband. For some reason, it is easier to see Jesus as husband if you are woman than a man. Sexual love is for humans, agape love is for Jesus. Yes, I sometimes think about Jesus romantically since I am totally in love with Him, and that's okay. I just don't think sexually about Him. He's God and Holy. However, Jesus can give you a mono sex life few ever get to have. I love my sex toys, and I am celibate for my husband. Paul calls the single life (1 Cor. 7:1-5) a gift. It is indeed a gift, and it is rare. Most are meant to marry another human being. I just was not. I'm a eunuch. I think my rape and childhood abuse made me a eunuch. The Bible says some are made. I rather think I was made. But, celibacy is for a rare few.
The Nun Thing
After a night of despair, God called me Rachel in a dream. He got me. He really got me. I was overjoyed he saw me as a female. Later, He gave me a dream and I was Rachel in the dream. He totally got me. And, my love for God bloomed into a raging river of passion, love, and adoration. Yes, even though it is not sexual, I am totally in love with Jesus. At first, it was romantic. Now, it is something far deeper. I told God to touch me anywhere, anytime. I remember my devotion and acceptance at being a nun when I prayed something like this, "God, I give myself to you as a nun and a devote myself solely to you as your daughter, Jesus Christ as my husband and the Holy Spirit as my guide in Jesus's mighty name, Amen." The more I draw near to God, the more He'll draw near to me. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." (James 4:8) (NKJV) Many nuns consider themselves wives of Jesus and ever wear wedding rings. While my nunship is between me and God, I think it is no different than an accepted nun.
The love of God is unreal. Sometimes, it really is overwhelming how much God can love you. God will do this for me (and you): "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over." (Psalms 23:5) (KJV). Trust me, He will do it for you as He has done it for me. God's love, unlike a human's, is never-ending and He'll never leave you alone. "Don’t love money. Be happy with what you have because God has said, “I will never abandon you or leave you.”" (Hebrews 13:5) (GW)
God can't leave you; He'll only get sweeter and sweeter!
If you are not a Christian, doesn't this all sound good?
On December 20,1991, I got saved in bed with bronchitis. It was a beautiful experience. So, can you! It changed my life forever.
Do you know Jesus?
Well, it is easy to know him and experience his undying, unfathomable love and affection.
He came and died for you.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) (KJV)
There is no greater love than Jesus.
"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) (KJV)
Accept Him today if you don't know him.
"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior."
Now, go and tell someone and welcome to His Kingdom.
Amen and Hallelujah.
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