Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Jesus, A Poem



Jesus

You are the beauty.
You are the poetry.
You are the majesty.
You are the apple
of mine eyes.
You are my husband,
the one that bought
me with the greatest price,
a price I cannot ev'r pay,
nor a price that I owe.
You were given in eternal
love and grace, and You
saved the world.
You are the Alpha and Omega,
the Son rising and the Son setting.
Nothing was made except by
your hand in infinity.
You control time,
You control space,
You are fate,
You are destiny.
You are the passion,
the Rock of Ages.
I kneel before thee,
humbled and unafraid.
I proclaim your name,
King of Kings,
Lord of Lords,
Lord of Hosts.
You are my Knight.
I am your Bride
that will serve you
in eternity.

Pastrix Rachel Teresa
#Transgender Church

Friday, June 26, 2020

Does God Like Me?


Does God Like Me?

Ponder that for a moment. We always hear: God loves you, God loves everybody. But, I've known people that say, "I love you but don't like you." Ever hear that? Well, God loves you AND GOD LIKES YOU.

Need Proof?

I did.

You know how a mom will sit and look at her child for hours with loving eyes while she delights in her child? God does the same with you. Even moreso...

In fact, God even counts the hairs on your head.

"But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows." (Luke 12:7) (KJV)

Yes, it may sound like a little too much love, but God loves you so much he counts the hairs on your head.

God feeds the birds, but he values YOU way more than them.

"Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?" (Matt 6:26) (KJV)

He also promises to supply all your needs.

"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Phillipians 4:19) (KJV)

The BIG, HUGE difference in God and everyone else is:

He likes you even when you fail. To err is human.

Why?

Jesus died and rose from the dead so that we might have communion again with God. But, Jesus knew we would fail because we are human (and He wasn't–He had a human body, but He was still God). Jesus never sinned, but he became all our sin on the Cross at Calvary.

But, why?

Grace.

Grace, which basically is there for us to get saved AND TO FAIL and not suffer the penalties for it. "His grace is sufficient." (2 Corinthians 12:9) If you screw up, and you will make mistakes because you are human, His Grace is Sufficient. God likes you that much he sent Jesus to die in your place so your sins would be forgiven even when you screw up.

Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven.

Jesus was perfect and they beat him senseless then crucified him on the Cross because He was blameless. Even Pontius Pilate knew He was blameless. (John 18:28-38)

When God looks at a Christian, he doesn't see sin or anything bad. When He looks at us, He sees Jesus because we accepted Jesus into our hearts. He also sees the Holy Ghost inside us...and you know who He is? The Holy Spirit really is Jesus's Spirit.

I'm not saying Grace is a license to sin. I'm saying Grace is there because we are human and will make mistakes because we are human. It is impossible for us as humans to live above sin because of our endemic nature. I actually think, but can't prove it, but us just existing day to day is some little sin. Sin is in our nature. It's called the flesh (not your skin or body), but our endemic nature. However, when we get saved, guess what?, we are reborn inside. The flesh is there but subdued. The more we pray, "crucify the flesh" as Paul put it Galatians 5:24, the more subdued it becomes. The flesh is those little thoughts that pop into your head that questions God, exalts above God. The flesh is NOT you but our endemic nature. Prayer is crucifying the flesh and bringing it under submission.

Yeah, God likes you that much. But, His like is both personal and corporate. Jesus is our Husband and we are His Bride. The Church is His Bride. But, Jesus wants to know you intimately as His Bride. God wants to hear about your successes, your failures, your wants, your needs, your prayers for others, what you like, what you dislike, your favorite food, your favorite song, your favorite movie, everything! God's ear never tires of listening to you no matter what you are saying, even when you go on and on and on about nothing. Unlike another human, He's actively listening to you.

God loves listening to you tell Him everything about you. His ear is always open and He's always happy hear what you have to say even if you're mad. His that good a friend. He knows His ways are not our ways. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." (Isaiah 55:8) (KJV)

God fashioned you in the womb of your mother. Yes, He did. It's why abortion is murder. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." (Psalms 139:13) (NIV) The Holy Spirit is the breath of life and one of His jobs is knitting us together in our mother's womb.

WHY WOULD GOD NOT LIKE YOU SINCE HE DOES ALL THAT TO MAKE YOU?!!!

Yes, God Likes You, Jesus Likes You and the Holy Spirit Likes You.

We know God loves us, but we also should know He likes us.

Do you know Jesus?

Well, it is easy to know him and experience his undying, unfathomable love and affection.

He came and died for you.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) (KJV)

There is no greater love than Jesus.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) (KJV)

Accept Him today if you don't know him.

Sinner's Prayer

"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior."

Now, go and tell someone and welcome to His Kingdom.

Amen and Hallelujah.

Pastrix Rachel Teresa
Transgender Church

Sunday, June 21, 2020

A Prayer for God's Protection from Evil

A Prayer for God's Protection from Evil

He who dwells in the secret place of Elyon (Most High), shall abide under the shadow of Shaddai (God Almighty). I will say of Yahweh (Covenant Keeping God), "He is my refuge and my fortress; my Elohim (God of Power, Creator), in Him will I trust."

The prayer was written by Pastor Jim Hammond of Living Word Christian Center.

Watch the video:



Do you know Jesus?

Well, it is easy to know him and experience his undying, unfathomable love and affection.

He came and died for you.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) (KJV)

There is no greater love than Jesus.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) (KJV)

Accept Him today if you don't know him.

Sinner's Prayer

"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior."

Now, go and tell someone and welcome to His Kingdom.

Amen and Hallelujah.

Pastix Rachel
Transgenderchurch.com
Transgender Church

Monday, June 15, 2020

Is Something Big About to Happen?

I get the feeling something very big is about to happen in America. I'm not sure what it is, but...

I remember early this year, before Corona shut down many states, it seemed like everything was going great. Economy was roaring.... But, God brought this to my mind:

"For when they shall say, Peace and safety; then sudden destruction cometh upon them, as travail upon a woman with child; and they shall not escape." (I Thess. 5:3)

In the last few weeks, there are rioting all over our cities in America and they are spilling over in Europe.

Today, I feel the spirit of Antichrist is roving through our country. I felt that spirit this morning. I resisted it, but felt it.

"And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world.

4 Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world."

We Christians don't have to worry about the spirit of Antichrist...

But, I think these riots happening are going to go on and on...

Strangely, though, I just get this unsettling feeling something really big is about to happen in our world. I don't know what it is, but something big is coming. Couldn't get it out my mind as I laid down to sleep tonight so I had to write this.

God is really trying to reach the lost lately like never before in history.

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." (Rev. 3:20)

This passage of Scripture definitely is coming into vogue...

8 All these are the beginning of sorrows.

9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake.

10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.

11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.

12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.

(Matthew 24:8-13)

Be watchful. "The virgins are all trimming their wicks," (Matthew 25:1-13)

Do you know Jesus?

Well, it is easy to know him and experience his undying, unfathomable love and affection.

He came and died for you.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) (KJV)

There is no greater love than Jesus.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) (KJV)

Accept Him today if you don't know him.

Sinner's Prayer

"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior."

Now, go and tell someone and welcome to His Kingdom.

Amen and Hallelujah.

Pastrix Rachel
Transgender Church
TransgenderChurch.com

Thursday, June 11, 2020

Jesus is the Love You've Dreamed About



Jesus wants to be your spiritual husband. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called." (Isaiah 54:5) (KJV) And, "For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry thee: and as the bridegroom rejoiceth over the bride, so shall thy God rejoice over thee." (Isaiah 62:5) (KJV) God rejoices over us. God delights in us. "He will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

We are the Bride of Christ, which is mentioned a lot in the Bible. Realistically, the Bible is God's love affair with us. Many think Songs of Solomon is the model for marriage. Yes, that's true, but it is also our model for our marriage to Christ.

God always wants to be first! Jesus is supposed to be your first love. "We love because he first loved us." (I John 4:19) Without loving Jesus, you really don't love anyone else the way God intended. God loves you so much he counts the hairs on your head. (Luke 12:17) Jesus really is nuts about you.

But, Jesus wants to be our first love.

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me." (Exodus 20:3) (KJV) And, of course, there are the first of two commandments of Jesus... "Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." (Matt 22:37) (KJV)

You are supposed to love God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind. Basically, God wants from us what He does for us. He probably doesn't get it from many Christians, but the few that ventures into actually doing it will reap something few Christians get. There is a fullness of God that he can let us experience and Jesus said he came so we might have life (salvation), and have life more abundantly. (John 10:10) Eternal life you get from salvation. But, abundant life you get from devotion to Jesus. You can never out love God.

But, God said David was a man after His own heart. (1 Sam 13:14; Acts 13:22)

You have to surrender your will to Jesus.

Honestly, I surrendered mine. I remember my devotion and acceptance at being a nun when I prayed something like this, "God, I give myself to you as a nun and a devote myself solely to you as your daughter, Jesus Christ as my husband and the Holy Spirit as my guide in Jesus's mighty name, Amen." The more I draw near to God, the more He'll draw near to me. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." (James 4:8) (NKJV)

I always fought surrendering my will to Jesus. Honestly, I didn't know what that meant. I do wonder what He has in store for me. But, I doubt it is anything terrible. David risked his life a lot to do God's will. But, he was king of Israel and an actual warrior that shed a lot of blood.

About a year ago, God called me to the ministry with a really odd dream. I remember it well. I was in the military and we had these uniforms that was nothing like I had seen. But, I had a special uniform reserved only for me. I got the feeling other soldiers knew I was different. Not in awe of me, but they knew I carried a responsibility few did. I actually think I was the only one that did. Anyway, my job was to fly a plane, which I never saw, deep into enemy territory.

I didn't know it then, but Transgender Church was my ministry. I was meant to minister to others like myself. Honestly, I don't know a whole lot about female to male Transgenders, but I've been a male to female Transgender for really 48 years. Being Transgender is difficult because the church really doesn't get us, probably doesn't even like us. I'm sure female to male Transgender is the opposite of my experience.

Yes, there are some churches that accept Transgenders, but are they really following the Word of God in all areas like they are supposed to? Not really. The ones I've seen are okay with Gay Marriage (it's a sin, argue all you want) and progressive. God is not a secular humanist. He's Holy. God doesn't care if you are gay or lesbian and even enjoy such fantasies in your head. But, when you engage in gay or lesbian sex with someone, it's a sin, argue with me all you want, try and justify it all you want, it's a sin. The Bible is really clear on that in Romans 1:27. Also, those that engage in sexual immorality will not inherit the kingdom of Heaven via 1 Corinthians 6:9-11. I'd say that's pretty darn explicit. I cover how that affects Transgenders in https://www.transgenderchurch.com/2020/04/what-is-transgender-transgender-is-when.html

I've written all kinds of erotic romance novels. Straight, gay, lesbian, Transgender. It's not a sin. A novel is a fantasy. We all have fantasies in our brains. But, when you act on that fantasy and actually have sex with the same gender, it's a sin. If you are gay and abstain, fine. God has no problem with you. It's the actual sex that'll get you into trouble. Romans 1:27 is really clear on that, as I already mentioned. And, since Gay/Lesbian sex is a sin, you automatically know Gay marriage is sin, too. I don't care what so-and-so says. I don't care what some preacher says. It's a sin, period. The Bible is our authority not the opinion of someone, even if they claim to be a minister.

Why?

The DNA can't be changed.

God loves you for you. But, you can't change your DNA no matter how much you transition your appearance. God is fine with transitioning. I could never afford it. But, you can't change the DNA. God will readily accept you as Transgender, but if you were born a man physically, sexual relations with a man is a sin. Same applies if you were born female and have sex with another woman. It's a sin, too. Be sure to read Transgender Q&A. It explains it all. If I were to transition, and, yes, I'd love to live as a physical woman, I would ask God first what He thought. God really doesn't mind you dressing up. It's not a sin. Trust me, I'd love nothing more than to wake up in the morning with a female body matching my inside. But, God has helped me tremendously by calling me Rachel and accepting me as her. He'll do the same for you, too. I used to tell people I was a lesbian, but the simple truth is, my DNA is male so I'm really not as much as I'd like to think I was. LOL God doesn't care about fantasies, but He does care about the sex we have with someone else. Since saying that prayer and devoting myself to Jesus as a nun, I'll have a fleeting thought about wanting someone, but it doesn't last long. I meant my prayer to God.

At any rate, Jesus is your husband.

Paul actually said, maybe in his opinion, Christians should be single. "For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that." (I Cor. 7:7) (KJV) But, that's not realistic. God did make Adam and Eve and said men should not be alone (Genesis 2:18). Even Paul said you should get married if you "burn with passion" (1 Cor. 7:9), which basically means if you're constantly lusting after everyone that crosses your path, get hitched. A husband can lust after his wife all day long, and a wife can lust after her husband all day long. In fact, aren't they supposed to desire each other sexually?

A little tidbit about marriage: the Husband's contributions makes all the difference. A woman can give and give, but it won't matter that much to a man that isn't giving. But, if the man gives everything, it will make all the difference unless the woman is just plain evil and totally into herself. Guys, God even warns you about such women in Proverbs 7. The warning was about adultery and said, "Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death." God described her as "Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent. (She is unruly and defiant, her feet never stay at home; now in the street, now in the squares, at every corner she lurks.)" Such a woman leads a man to ruin. Think Delilah and Sampson. Be wary of the temptress. Her silken words and sinful manners can destroy any man. And, girls, don't be that woman. Guys, look for a virtuous woman, and, girls, be one.

Maybe that's one of the reasons Paul loved singleness.

As far as me, I'll be quite honest here, I like the idea of marriage and sex with others. But, the reality left a lot to be desired. My rape when I was three and half years old ruined sex for me and made me hyper-sexual. It triggered that part of my Bipolar I disorder. I asked God to heal me of Bipolar and He lead me to understand sometimes healing is worse than the disease. Bipolars looooove their highs. Even with meds, I have my highs, but they are controlled, and, honestly, I don't want to be normal.

Let's face it, being Transgender is not the norm for anyone. It puts you at total odds with your physical body, and some can't handle such sexual fluidity. But, I love being a woman inside and have no desire to be male. I'm revealing myself here, but inside Rachel is a tough as nails woman that is also soft, loving, kind and feminine. She's a lioness with the heart of a woman. I'd much rather talk with others about how I feel than cars, football, or manly stuff. It's the reason so many women will confide in me just after we meet.

And, to be honest, when God called me "Rachel" in a dream–that changed my life in ways I'm still uncovering. Since I have Jewish blood and my Rachel persona was Jewish, I see why God liked the idea. But, then the Holy Spirit was totally excited when I decided to devote myself to God and be a "nun." He lead me there. It's odd, but as Rachel, I've never seen a person that could be my equal in life. I am totally content being Rachel inside. I just watch who I call "sweetie" and "honey." I sometimes totally forget people see a guy and not who I really am in Rachel. LOL

Men have a harder time with Jesus as Husband than women do. But, there is nothing sexual about it. It basically means, Jesus is your all. He wants to be your everything. He wants to be first in your life. It should be God, your spouse (if married), your kids, your job, etc. But, honestly, why I told God I'd be a nun was simple: I really want to see what God has in store for me. I just might get to see things few get to see and experience things few get to experience. Yes, it feels romantic, but it goes deeper. God really wants to satisfy all your needs. He wants to satisfy your physical needs, your emotional needs, your spiritual needs and even your sexual needs (not with Him, but He can give you Anointed Sex with yourself). God does offer Anointed Sex to Christians, which you can enjoy by yourself or with a spouse. Definitely the best sex I've ever had and it's just me. I'm Bipolar and God knows I'm hyper-sexual so the Anointed Sex I have has more than met that need.

But, Love is our main need.

Only God can give us Agape Love. That is the deepest love we can ever experience. Agape love is described as the love of God for man and the love of man for God. The depths of God's love really is beyond imagination. But, somehow, we can experience it if we only surrender our will to God, and love Him with all our heart, all our mind and all our soul as Jesus commanded. I definitely have felt infatuation for Jesus. Honestly, Christianity makes me horny, but that is just my individual response. However, infatuation with God will eventually go even deeper. For some, like me, it is the first step into a world I think few people get to go. Honestly, I'm married to Jesus. I made a vow to be a nun and be celibate for Jesus.

And, you bet your bottom dollar, I want to experience Agape Love to the fullest extent possible. Jesus promised it. "I come that you have life, and have life more abundantly." (John 10:10 paraphrase). Life is salvation. Life more abundantly is that experience of Agape love that St. Theresa called ecstasy. I don't know what she experienced exactly, but I want it. She had the abundant life. To get that, you have to surrender you will, devote yourself, and make Jesus your one and only like she did. I will tell you the closer you get to God, the closer the Holy Spirit will manifest Himself to you. You can feel the tingling and heat of the Spirit from head to toe. There is nothing like the Anointing.

Agape love has changed me. I'm finding I love everybody more and more each day. I want it to get to the point the only thing I see in another person is their soul. Since God is Love, and to love others, God has to love through you, I believe eventually that will happen. My endemic nature might not like it, but I want it. I want to go after God's heart. I don't know what that really means, and I may not get there, but I want it.

Yes, I have my doubts. And, I have my moments of "what the heck am I doing?" But, such thoughts are fleeting. Emotions are fleeting. You can't live life by your emotions because "the heart is desperately wicked." (Jeremiah 17:9) The heart is desperately wicked because it is never satisfied. The heart flows with the wind and is directionless. You basically have to master it. Feelings are wonderful things, but they should never control your life. I think they should be a confirmation of what you think. The heart should be subject to your mind and will not the other way around. The mind and will is the adult and the heart (emotions) are your child. The heart can move you to do things, but you should think it through first.

And, remember this, "love (human) was not meant to last." Pat Benatar sang that line in Shadows of the Night and I've never forgotten it. A soul mate is an extremely rare thing. Even then, that love will fade and has to be constantly nurtured. God's love is never-ending while a human's love eventually has an expiration date. You might be totally in love with someone and a year later have moved on. God never moves on, His love never grows cold, His love never gets stale. God's love is for eternity. And, the way to get more of it is to give it away.

C.S. Lewis said there were four loves: Agape, Eros (the sexual he called Venus), Philia (friend, siblings) and Storge (empathy or familiar like how a mom loves their child). Agape is charitable love, unmerited love and from God. But, I think C.S. Lewis had it wrong. All love is from God. At God's core, there is love. I honestly think the other three loves C.S. Lewis describes are really reflections of Agape. We are only capable of really loving anyone through God. Otherwise, we don't.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Four_Loves

Jesus's love for us was stated here as the greatest: "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). What is the greatest love? Sacrifice. If you really love someone, you'll sacrifice for them. And, if you are a husband, you have to be willing to die for your Bride like Jesus, the Husband, did for the Church, His Bride.

God can't leave you; He'll only get sweeter and sweeter!

If you are not a Christian, doesn't this all sound good?

On December 20,1991, I got saved in bed with bronchitis. It was a beautiful experience. So, can you! It changed my life forever.

Do you know Jesus?

Well, it is easy to know him and experience his undying, unfathomable love and affection.

He came and died for you.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) (KJV)

There is no greater love than Jesus.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) (KJV)

Accept Him today if you don't know him.

Sinner's Prayer

"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior."

Now, go and tell someone and welcome to His Kingdom.

Amen and Hallelujah.

Pastix Rachel
Transgenderchurch.com
Transgender Church

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Jesus As My Husband; My Testimony



Jesus As My Husband; My Testimony

I am a Transgender woman, a Jew, a nun and the Pastrix of TransgenderChurch.com.

And, Jesus is my Husband.

Jesus said he would fulfill all my needs and give me the desires of my heart. "Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart." (Psalms 37:4) (KJV) I tell Jesus often how much I love Him as my husband, provider, protector, my all. He's the one I adore. You see, Jesus is your spiritual husband as a Christian. "For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called." (Isaiah 54:5) (KJV) No, we don't have sex. But, I have sex with myself and toys. And, it is Anointed (something few Christians explore I think), holy sex that has blown my mind and I've been sexually active since eleven years old (mostly masturbation). I'm 51 and having the best sex ever. But, Jesus as Husband means He is responsible for meeting my emotional, psychological, physical, sexual and spiritual needs.

Honestly, for years, I thought I wanted to meet some woman, and had strong crushes. Pat Benatar, my favorite female singer ever, was a strong crush in from 1983-1987. Taylor Swift was a strong crush for years, before I took my vows as a nun before God. Now, today, I'm no longer interested and have no crushes. Jesus wants to be the focus of your life in everything.

And, I am content, not just happy, but content in Christ Jesus.

But, how did my journey begin?

On May 17, 1972, I was a mere three and one-half years old. My father left me with a military couple he knew the night my mother went into labor with my brother. Both of them molested me. It was not violent, and she was evil, but was loving, as weird as that sounds. Anyway, after getting me in their waterbed naked, she was naked, she masturbated me with her hand before asking me if I wanted to feel real good and she performed fellatio on me. Honestly, I enjoyed it. I was just way too young. Yes, it was wrong and sick of her, but I enjoyed it. Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted to make her feel good. I did and she taught me how to perform cunnilingus on her. I didn't know any better. So, I did for about two hours and she had multiple orgasms. Then, I tried to pleasure her husband and couldn't. As they made love on the bed, I sat at the end of the bed watching the snow on the screen and the boy I was left and the girl I became stayed. I started masturbating to completion at eleven, and I loved sex. I never could get enough, and still can't. But, she killed my desire for anyone as a lover. I always fantasized about being married to some woman, but the idea was way better than the reality. And, when I look at a woman, since I am female inside and God sees me as a woman, I don't think, "I'd like to do her." No, I think, "what if I was her!" I've been doing that for as long as I can remember.

So, as my rapist made me a girl, my father's unending emotional abuse was my estrogen that made me a woman. I read a book by a female clinical psychologist and she intimated that estrogen makes women look at the emotional cues of others to see what they need from them. I did the same thing with my father and he was never satisfied. So, therefore, his emotional abuse was my estrogen that fully cemented me as a woman.

So, I am male physically, since I couldn't afford transition ever, and a full woman inside. But, God told me He wanted to be my everything. Jesus was the spiritual husband. For some reason, it is easier to see Jesus as husband if you are woman than a man. Sexual love is for humans, agape love is for Jesus. Yes, I sometimes think about Jesus romantically since I am totally in love with Him, and that's okay. I just don't think sexually about Him. He's God and Holy. However, Jesus can give you a mono sex life few ever get to have. I love my sex toys, and I am celibate for my husband. Paul calls the single life (1 Cor. 7:1-5) a gift. It is indeed a gift, and it is rare. Most are meant to marry another human being. I just was not. I'm a eunuch. I think my rape and childhood abuse made me a eunuch. The Bible says some are made. I rather think I was made. But, celibacy is for a rare few.

The Nun Thing

After a night of despair, God called me Rachel in a dream. He got me. He really got me. I was overjoyed he saw me as a female. Later, He gave me a dream and I was Rachel in the dream. He totally got me. And, my love for God bloomed into a raging river of passion, love, and adoration. Yes, even though it is not sexual, I am totally in love with Jesus. At first, it was romantic. Now, it is something far deeper. I told God to touch me anywhere, anytime. I remember my devotion and acceptance at being a nun when I prayed something like this, "God, I give myself to you as a nun and a devote myself solely to you as your daughter, Jesus Christ as my husband and the Holy Spirit as my guide in Jesus's mighty name, Amen." The more I draw near to God, the more He'll draw near to me. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." (James 4:8) (NKJV) Many nuns consider themselves wives of Jesus and ever wear wedding rings. While my nunship is between me and God, I think it is no different than an accepted nun.

The love of God is unreal. Sometimes, it really is overwhelming how much God can love you. God will do this for me (and you): "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over." (Psalms 23:5) (KJV). Trust me, He will do it for you as He has done it for me. God's love, unlike a human's, is never-ending and He'll never leave you alone. "Don’t love money. Be happy with what you have because God has said, “I will never abandon you or leave you.”" (Hebrews 13:5) (GW)

God can't leave you; He'll only get sweeter and sweeter!

If you are not a Christian, doesn't this all sound good?

On December 20,1991, I got saved in bed with bronchitis. It was a beautiful experience. So, can you! It changed my life forever.

Do you know Jesus?

Well, it is easy to know him and experience his undying, unfathomable love and affection.

He came and died for you.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) (KJV)

There is no greater love than Jesus.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) (KJV)

Accept Him today if you don't know him.

Sinner's Prayer

"Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior."

Now, go and tell someone and welcome to His Kingdom.

Amen and Hallelujah.

Pastix Rachel
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